wisdom tooth

today, i went for wisdom tooth extraction.....in search for a distraction. appointment at 4pm....i went in around 420pm and was done at 5pm. fast, very fast i thought. pain, not at all....till now, still not painful even though the anaesthesia is gone.
why? why painless? it's painful somewhere, i need pain somewhere else.....i'm searching for a distraction, am still.

another distraction.....drinking.
yes, i found my distraction....it's painful, good.

i wish life is like a waterfall....just cascading down in freefall, and just going with the flow - with the assurance that there's only one way you can go, no turning back. lie back and just float.
but it's not that simple....i'm not.

star awards 2006

for as long as i remember....
i never like shooting the star awards, but was assigned to cover the ceremony....no choice, but this year i dont mind.
stars, celebrities....so many for me to see, up close and personal....
but the one that i wanted to see, so near and yet so far....not even mind just seeing her back view....

i went home hungry....

who goes...

a sms, a smile on my face...or izzit a new haircut?

aiyi said she'll go if ym goes.
then u said u'll go if pee goes.
and pee will go if aiyi goes :)

at times, it's better to be alone and left alone, but not lonely.
hmmmm~~ hoegaarden is nice, as nice as coke.

erased...period.

it was silent, but i heard something beautiful....from her. i was smiling....to myself, alone.
erased? period, i guess.

map...lost?

in rome, i walked along the streets without a map. yes, i got lost a bit here and there but still, i found my way back. now that i'm back, i'm lost again. thought i had gotten a map to find my way home? yes thought, it's just a thought....it's a thought of my mind, or rather, i think it's more of a thought of my heart. should i use less of my heart and more of my mind? either way, it's deep....i dont know wat to do?

i would rather be the right wrong person.....
i'm looking for my right wrong person.........
why are people forever seeking that special person who is right for them? in fact, there's no right person, just different flavours of wrong. i myself are wrong in some way, everybody are.....so, if i'm wrong in some way, then isn't it true that i'm also seeking out partners who are wrong in some complementary way too? hmmmm~~ i think i'm looking for the wrong person, not just any wrong person, but the right wrong person-someone i look at and think, "this is the problem i want to have."

a special person who is wrong for me in just the right way....
aaahhhhhhaa~ my right wrong person.

again....

to remind myself, so i post this entry....Only One, Mind or Heart?

i have a doubting mind and a trusting heart. they both cant get along. they have fragmented me in a way that has filled bitterness inside me. i looked back and see what have happened....by means of any one of these two, either mind or heart has destroyed it. whatever i gained using mind could not be used because my heart refused to accept, and whatever i gained using heart was unacceptable to mind. maybe it seems foolish, but i'm not in a position to accept both of them together and it's really very hard to live with them together. did they ever once agree on any subject or anything together in my life? i wonder now....again. the true nature of mind is to doubt while heart is completely opposite of that. heart is always trusting without any logic, how true! mind and heart operate independently. situations when i tried to listen to them together, my life became hell. what is the need of these two living in a single body if they cant agree on anything? mind and heart are independent entity and should operate alone freely. both are equally important and powerful. only one allowed, mind or heart?

mind won the battle this time, i lost.
would u rather be the right wrong person or the wrong right person?

gone? i thought...

it came back looking for me, again....i'm scared, i fear. did i invite? i definitely didnt. uninvited, please go away....
i dont wanna run, i dont wanna hide....face it, is my only way. tiring and confusing it gets, wonder how long more can i handle it?

a house, i found....for me to rest, for me to think.
i shall not move.

gloomy...

as my pixs for today can be....so is my mood.
i want to take a walk...
to go see some colors instead of the grey...

yesh, u definitely are............................to me.

yummy!!

snacks or dinner?


SISTA!!

i would....

............like u to come along with me...........


..........seats to be confirm.............

my train ride...

from rome to florence...........searching..........
i found, but at times i felt lost...........
................i went to David.................
..................then Piazza del Duomo...............
...............finally the Baptistery................
sigh~ will u give me a map so i wont feel lost?
i bought a map.

small eyes....

.....................i have..........i'm not cute.....................




................Vatican City.....................

'rome' for u....dont run.

mood....

wat's my current mood?
i got my water, coke light and pop corn from here, plus a sandwich in my stomach, total euro $12.
i walk along the streets of rome, without a map.....
........................on wet days......................
the weather in rome explains my mood. the rain and the shine, my ups and my downs.

watever!!

.................life away....from....home..............






*life span of this pix : 2 days*






but i dont feel alone...................

i have small eyes, i only drink coke light but recently been slipping a little bit of coke and breathing in a lot of 2nd hand smoke. the dreamy dozing off week, 7 days total 168 hours, i slept only 28 hours. it's the heart and mind thing.

surreal....vodka

a surreal nite with lots of beer, a little vodka and a extremely tired body, mind and soul. officially, from this moment onwards, i hate vodka!! give me my coke, light please!

yesterday, was just like a movie....and i dont like this movie.

阿豪 junior...

...........................sigh..........................
...............not for the dead, but for those alive............
............hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...............

a love-hate pix

.......how much love, how much hate or even how much pain.......
i dont know, but it's definitely the pix of my trip!!

something is missing....
i'm searching, i'm waiting, i'm holding back or am i holding on?

a 'i think' sms

i like christine. i think u like her too.
i think she's nice. i think u think so too.
i think u should go 4 it. i think u want to too.
i'm gona support u!

against all odds....

yes, i still love this woman against all odds, and i love her so.

for a moment i thought i had already forgot about everything, everything and anything including her.....but no, never. everything came back and i lost it, cant control for this nite, this very nite. i've been doing fine and controlling well all this while, i thought. somehow, somewhere, deep inside, i know this is gonna be bad, tough, worst than the '3 years'.

oh god....someone please help.....

a hug...

yeah, the best hug i ever got....from yeongsama, my bro, gay!! heheheee....what a bittersweet nite for me. dinner at sista's place brought back so much memories. thought i was swallowing my tears instead of the food. sista and little sista reminds me of sis and sil. yes, i had tears for dinner. i want to live in the memories......never to get out.
...........yeongsama......................ispy.............

IMF/WB 2006

finally it's over!! oh well, here's the recap...................ha!!
protest downstairs..................meeting upstairs.

.........................and media everywhere...................

..............sleep, i need it very much..................

1931....

the 70s people and the 80s people, there's a difference, seriously....and oh, i should also include the 90s people too. generation gap, sometimes can become an issue in a relationship between lovers, or even friends. differences, differences and more differences, that's why every individuals are unique and that's how everybody can come together. if cant get together, we break away, either in a peaceful way or an ugly way.
"see!! u'll get her into trouble. all started by u. u know she'll get all worked up by those people....she'll fight those people."
oh well, hurt was all i felt....all in the wrong way.

4 of them....

just nice to carry a stretcher.
i hate these 2 months....aug and sept! cuz i have to do the green paper and the top 10....sigh....this is not good.

road block

yes, traffic police road block on wednesday late night. coming to 3 years of driving, 1st time i ran into road block, and i drank. had been drinking way too many nights for past weeks and i'm starting to feel very paranoid about my liver. liver cancer took ivy's life, will it take mine too? definitely yes if i continue drinking like that and dont start taking care of it. ok, i'm scaring myself here? well, if i had ran into road block any other nights before wednesday, i would seriously be death! sista thought so too, ha! guess i was tired after the shifting, so didnt drink much that night and i still gotta work early morning next day.
4 years, was it that bad? i really miss out that much? so much so that i'm desperately chasing whatever lost in the past 4 years? i had been asking myself that question lately. what have i been doing? how have i been living my life? it feels empty, like something missing, and yet some other parts are filled....strange.

dont read.....please.

write or shoot?

dont feel like either of them lately. oh well............
ok, anything just to get the pix of the day??

is this a choice?

........................letting go and getting over.......................
guess not much of a choice here, but rather just part and parcel of life. or maybe even an equation for walking through the pain of failed relationships? hmmm, does this make sense? definitely to me. letting go and getting over are 2 separate issues, and the only thing they have in common, is pain. there's no steps to follow, no ways to escape, u just have to walk right through it. no fixed time frame for letting go and getting over. seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years or even a lifetime, are all possible. to eventually be able to think of the person without intense pain, is how i am feeling now. somehow i think it's more painful to let go than to get over, but it's more difficult to get over than to let go. hmmm, kinda confusing here, but i'm not confused.

awesome album!!

yes...i so love their songs.
here's another one....Let It Go by Blue October.

Where do u go
When the day is long
And where does your heart beat
And who is wrong

Why do i feel this way
Why do i kneel
How could i let it go
Why do i feel
Why do i feel
Why

Follow me home
Through the, the maze and on
I'll show u the road
That i led u the wrong way on

Why did i go that way
Why do i still
How could i let her go
Why do i feel

Oh why did i go that way
Why do i still
How could i let her go
Why do i feel
Why do i feel
Why

Why
Why did i go that way
Why do i need
How could i let her go
Why do i feel

Oh why did i go that way
How could i still
Oh how could i
How could i
How could i

How could i
How could i.

i have to say that every single songs on the album are just simply awesome! awesome in a freaking depressing way...ha! not that i'm depressed or what, but it's just somehow amazing how songs can make a person feel so much. i have so many songs. some i wouldnt want to listen to anymore, some i would play it again and again.

p.s....for nyu, your comments still stay on my blog, so no apology, okie!

word verification

hate it when some idiots left some stupid comments on my blog!! well, they are idiots, so explains their stupid comments and the only place they belong is the trash bin....hahahhaahaaa!! i added the word verification thingy, hope it'll help.

blogging now is not the same anymore. strange, but that's how i'm feeling past few days. i dont feel like writing, or rather typing....so i tried pen and paper, worst! yes, finally understand the meaning of 'everything happens for a reason.' easy to say but to truly understand the meaning of it, i can say i do now. 不知从何说起，可能就是这样吧，就这么简单。

小一报名抽签

sigh....it's sad when u dont get what u want. poor parents.


。。。。。。。。。。。。。想通了。。。。。。。。。。。。。
hmmm, it definitely didnt happen overnight. quite awhile, i took. i dont want to waste another 3 years, i dont want to lose another friend, so i guess 我想通了。finally, i let it go....i have a choice this time, and i made a right one, a good one. it felt great somehow, cant explain, but just hmmmm, it feels kinda like i gain something even better after everything? guess that's life, right? life treats me well cuz i learnt my lesson well. this is definitely a better answer than the one i gave u just now. no shit!! i just google photofreek and arrrggghhh, so freaky!!

tonight's happening, all thanks to sista! i meant it in a grateful way. thanks sista, from the bottom of my heart.

singapore....

happppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppy birthday!!!!!!!!!!

wishes from the top.................of the world!

National Stadium

..........................after 33 years............................
.......................time to go.............................

2 ex-gfs

hmmm, strange....i felt like i had spent a day with my 2 ex-gfs yesterday. weird and freaky, i felt. not that i was with them, in fact i was with my bro's gf. here goes...bro's gf stayed at my place sunday night, not unusual. she's in the middle of shifting, and due to bad timing, will be homeless for the next 3 days. to make things worst, she's now down with fever cuz of her tonsilitis. one of my ex-gfs had tonsilitis too. i made her go for operation and bought her all the 3 Powerpuff Girls, and her favourite white lilies. those were the days...anything to please a little young gf of mine. yes, i bumped into her that night. not a little girl anymore, she's a lady now, studying music in UK. i'm happy for her, cuz she's finally doing what she likes. ohh....back to today. i suggested operation to my bro's gf, but she said it's useless. some of her relatives who had tonsilitis, went for operation, but after awhile it came back. hmmm, for that i have no answer. bro actually asked if my friend's tonsilitis came back? i didnt know how to answer him. should i say my ex-gf or just friend? in the end i told him i lost touch with this friend of mine who had tonsilitis, so dont know if hers came back or not. guess this is best answer i can give!
after picking bro's gf from training center and dropping off him at airport, we headed to gf's old place to pack some stuffs cuz landlord chasing after the place. bro flying off, gf is sick and still have to clean up old place...bro really owe me big time! "wei, help me hor"....he better be for real this time! deep down, i really hope bro is serious this time. i want them to work, so no matter what favour he asks from me, i'll sure do my best. the moment i stepped into the house, geeeezz...! packing, throwing, sweeping, cleaning...dust everywhere! it felt like those days with her. begining till end, together to apart. memories flow, thoughts wonder...i let them, it's ok.

i'm having running nose and sorethroat now, all thanks to bro.

非常 SuperBand!!

they are the 迷路兵。。。but they are definitely not lost!
poor boys...ended late last night and started early this morning with a photo shoot. young and full of energy...thus, i got this shot! kinda make me feel old....hmmmmm.....

ok...i got the green paper....i hate this.

the request....

really hope i dont have to do this anymore. sista said nothing after hearing my request...just a several pat on my back and she nodded. she understood, i'm glad.

yep, i havent been around and i was back last night. cant really remember when was the last time i hit the dance floor. danced till the lights came on and music stopped....ha, then realised it was time to go home. phew...if not for dancing my heart out, think probably i cant drive myself home. hmmm, not sure if becuz i havent dance for a long long time or what, i was in fact impressed with myself that i can stand and danced to those songs the DJ played....hahahahahaaa!! guess nothing beats zouk and velvet, they are definitely the best. bumped into some friends and ex-gfs. i was so into dancing and dancing and still dancing, that i forgot to stop to talk a bit more. anyway, just hope that i'll see them again and this time i'll remember to ask for their numbers.

sista mentioned her name twice last night. i made that request....

kind words....

i heard endless times, from friends and from stranger....thank you and i appreciate it very much, cuz these words assured me that i'm not alone.
Life must go on. yes, i know.
Everything happens for a reason. yes, i know too.
So don't go beating up yourself everyday, yeah? yeah, i'm working on it....pain is inevitable, misery is optional, ha!!
Change is the only constant in this world. yes, and it's all a question of time. of how your likes and dislikes change. of what your life demands out of you. isn't this scary? it scares me....change scares me.

a view....

from high high up.........................
down, i wish to plunge, into a sea of reds and whites......
to celebrate whatever worth celebrating.
there are times when the only answers come from listening, not asking. but i stopped listening............

hurt and pain...

those words, my 7th tattoo, will be with me for life............
wondering about how much something will hurt is actually worse than the actual pain....(just like tattoo)....
u cant really make sense of what happens in a breakup until u suffer alone.

what a night!!

sista sms me around 8:30pm, asking me to join her at ICB. i hesitated for a while, cuz working tomorrow. i ended up there around 9:15pm....ha!! learnt a new game, 5 10. it's fun....who lose, will drink. sista got lots of fun friends and colleagues. i had a great time. thanks sista....it's been awhile!

sil....

almost brought me to tears when i heard this. saw sista at ICB....wow, no words could describe how happy i was to see her!! sista....it's been a long time. "almost half year, no...more than that!" she said. she was with a friend and i was with my friends. we wanted to talk more, i guess.....but we got our friends around, so didnt really talk much. but still, we were really happy to see each other. hahaha....kinda of i didnt really dare to sms her when things were over between....us. and she too, didnt know if she should msg me or not. in fact, many times i wanted to ask sista out for drinks, but in the end didnt. anyway, glad i bumped into her tonight, and things were cleared now. we'll be keeping in touch.....sista and sil.

told sista she should not call me sil anymore....it's someone else now. "casey," sista said. yes, she remembered....ha! "peenut," i only know her by that! we'll be keeping in touch.....peenut and casey.

who....

did this? suspects on the list.....2 teens.
still under investigation. hope i'm wrong about the suspects part.

'to stop the suffering, stop perpetuating the illusion that you cannot deal with your feelings. act out of your path, not your pathology.'

流感演习...

this is an exercise, seriously....
they are serious about it............
this song was with me, everyday, while i was in NY....
Hate Me by Blue October
i have to block out thoughts of you so i dont lose my head
they crawl like cockroach leaving babies in my bed
dropping little reels of tape to remind me that i'm alone
playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
there's a burning pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
an ounce of peace is all i want for you. will you never call again?
and will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face?
and will you never try to reach me?
it is i want that space
hate me today
hate me tomorrow
hate me so you can finally see what's good for you
i'm sober now for 3 whole months it's one accomplishment that you helped me with
the one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing i wont touch again
in a sick way i want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
while i was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight
you never doubt my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate
you made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
so i'll drive so fucking far away that i never cross your mind
and do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind
hate me today
hate me tomorrow
hate me for all the things i didnt do for you
hate me in ways
yeah ways hard to swallow
hate me so you can finally see what's good for you
and with a sad heart i say bye to you and wave
kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that i had made
and like a baby boy i never was a man
until i saw your blue eyes crying and i held your face in my hand
and then i fell down yelling "make it go away"
just make a smile come back and shine just like it used to be
and then she whispered "how can you do this to me?"
hate me today
hate me tomorrow
hate me for all the things i didnt do for you
hate me in ways
yeah ways hard to swallow
hate me so you can finally see what's good for you.

hmmm, this is depressing....

free time....

"hey, what u do on your off days? i wonder what u do during your free time?" a friend of mine asked me that few days back. hmmmm, guess nothing much but just reading and reading a lot. actually what else to do beside reading? ok...a bit of jogging, washing car, blogging, spend time with parents, hang out with gay bro, fold my clothes, eating, drinking, walking around the house, watch a bit of tv, shoot some pixs for blog, tidy up my bedroom, meet some friends once in a while. errrm, guess that's all. yah, that's really all.
another colleague packing stuffs, it's sad. probably the last to leave on the list. my contact list tells all.....
left : printed on year 2003...............right: printed today, 2006
see?
now....i have both the old and new contact list in my wallet. it's just a contact list, yet i cant bear to throw it away. isn't the new should always replace the old. agree?